Yesterday I found out that someone else I knew passed away from cancer. Her name was Cathy Avila... We weren't super close but she was someone, along with her lovely daughters that left a footprint in my heart. She was someone who was always smiling and happy. During my youth ministry days at St. Elizabeth Ann Seton she was one of our biggest supporters, offering her help when ever she could and encouraged her daughters (Amanda and Laura) to be involved as well. She also taught at the church and I know many young adults benefitted from her love of God and generosity of time.
2 years and 2 months ago when we had my mom's funeral Cathy was there with one of the girls and I was so surprised to see them. I hadn't been around St Elizabeth for a while at that time but it touched me deeply that she was there at the funeral. Who knew that 2 years later I would be hearing that she had lost her battle with lung cancer and would now be planning to attend her funeral? She wasn't even sick 2 years ago! Now I keep thinking about Amanda and Laura... I think about the days following losing my mom and thinking about what they are now going through. The services are planned around Thanksgiving viewing/rosary on Wednesday and the funeral Friday... what a double edged sword! Thankful she is no longer suffering, celebrating her life, but feeling her loss.
Her passing reminds me of my mom's, which makes my heart heavy and sad.
Please keep all of Cathy's family and friends in your prayers as they go thru these tough times. Please also prayer for the repose of Cathy's soul, I pray she is finally out of pain and in peace. <3
italian winery gate
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Faith, Hope & Love
Hello Friends!
Wow! The last time I posted was in June and here we are in August! So much has been going on! My goodness!
Overall things have been good! Work has kept me busy and being in love has kept me happy lol We've been seeing each other for 3 months now and time just seems to fly by! ... Well when we are together time seems to fly by... when we are apart it seems to drag! And I guess that's the way it should be in a way but with my work schedule it's not like when it starts to get really tough during the week we can just see each other either and i think sometimes that can cause a strain. I was told once by someone to enjoy missing each other and at the time i thought Ha! Since then I've learned that sometimes the build up of missing each other is good because you appreciate all the more the time you do spend with each other and when you do finally see each other it feels good and there's excitement... but I think if you have that up and down week after week sometimes it can be hard and the roller coaster effect starts to wear on you. I think in the last couple of weeks that has been the case and then add on top of that stress, anxiety, fear and insecurity and you have a storm brewing...
In the midst of it all 3 words have crossed my mind... faith, hope and love. ok 4 if you count the AND but i think you get where I'm going.
Faith, Hope, Love... 3 little words that all mean so much and put together are so very powerful. They've always been a bit of a motto/mantra for me.
My faith in God has never wavered. Sometimes it's not as strong but I never doubt that God is moving in my life... I may not always LIKE what's happening in my life but I know that thru it all He's there by my side. I have faith that everything will work out in the end... if it hasn't worked out, it's not the end... I may not always like how it's worked out but that just means there is something else in the works.
My faith gives me hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better if i'm having a bad day. And i have hope that everything will be ok. Faith and Hope are a team, together with love they remind you that anything and everything is possible.
Love... it's such a powerful thing, isn't it? (whoa, Michael Bolton came into my mind for a minute) And yet at the same time so fragile. With the loss of it, it can bring pain, sorrow and emotional devastation and yet when it comes into your life (friendship or romantic) it can bring such joy and healing. Isn't that something?
For the people in your life that you love, don't forget to tell them that you love them. Even if you think they know... they need to hear it once in a while... And when you're with someone, and you love that person and you know what you feel and believe in your heart of hearts ... tell them, fight for it. (no i don't mean beat them up or cause destruction) Put yourself out there, tell them what you're thinking, show them your heart and what you feel for them. No, it's NOT easy, but it will be worth it, no matter the outcome. If you put it all out there and that person refuses... as difficult as it may be... let them walk away. Know that you did all that you could and have no regrets, no what ifs... and understand that it wasn't meant to be. It will be painful to lose that person but have faith and hope that someone is out there for you.
As for me, the storm came through and i've put my heart in his hands and he knows that i love him. Only time will tell what will happen, and I'm ok with that... but no matter what the next day, week, month, year brings me... FAITH, HOPE and LOVE will get me through.
Wow! The last time I posted was in June and here we are in August! So much has been going on! My goodness!
Overall things have been good! Work has kept me busy and being in love has kept me happy lol We've been seeing each other for 3 months now and time just seems to fly by! ... Well when we are together time seems to fly by... when we are apart it seems to drag! And I guess that's the way it should be in a way but with my work schedule it's not like when it starts to get really tough during the week we can just see each other either and i think sometimes that can cause a strain. I was told once by someone to enjoy missing each other and at the time i thought Ha! Since then I've learned that sometimes the build up of missing each other is good because you appreciate all the more the time you do spend with each other and when you do finally see each other it feels good and there's excitement... but I think if you have that up and down week after week sometimes it can be hard and the roller coaster effect starts to wear on you. I think in the last couple of weeks that has been the case and then add on top of that stress, anxiety, fear and insecurity and you have a storm brewing...
In the midst of it all 3 words have crossed my mind... faith, hope and love. ok 4 if you count the AND but i think you get where I'm going.
Faith, Hope, Love... 3 little words that all mean so much and put together are so very powerful. They've always been a bit of a motto/mantra for me.
My faith in God has never wavered. Sometimes it's not as strong but I never doubt that God is moving in my life... I may not always LIKE what's happening in my life but I know that thru it all He's there by my side. I have faith that everything will work out in the end... if it hasn't worked out, it's not the end... I may not always like how it's worked out but that just means there is something else in the works.
My faith gives me hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better if i'm having a bad day. And i have hope that everything will be ok. Faith and Hope are a team, together with love they remind you that anything and everything is possible.
Love... it's such a powerful thing, isn't it? (whoa, Michael Bolton came into my mind for a minute) And yet at the same time so fragile. With the loss of it, it can bring pain, sorrow and emotional devastation and yet when it comes into your life (friendship or romantic) it can bring such joy and healing. Isn't that something?
For the people in your life that you love, don't forget to tell them that you love them. Even if you think they know... they need to hear it once in a while... And when you're with someone, and you love that person and you know what you feel and believe in your heart of hearts ... tell them, fight for it. (no i don't mean beat them up or cause destruction) Put yourself out there, tell them what you're thinking, show them your heart and what you feel for them. No, it's NOT easy, but it will be worth it, no matter the outcome. If you put it all out there and that person refuses... as difficult as it may be... let them walk away. Know that you did all that you could and have no regrets, no what ifs... and understand that it wasn't meant to be. It will be painful to lose that person but have faith and hope that someone is out there for you.As for me, the storm came through and i've put my heart in his hands and he knows that i love him. Only time will tell what will happen, and I'm ok with that... but no matter what the next day, week, month, year brings me... FAITH, HOPE and LOVE will get me through.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
TIME - my friend, my enemy
Hello again my friends!
My goodness time seems to be flying by! I can't believe Christmas is 6 months away! Yes i saw people post about it which is how i know!
There are many good things going on right now and it makes me very excited about what life is offering me! But in the midst of all the good there is always a little bad... Over the weekend I found out about 2 people passing away... One i knew better than the other but really isn't death always sad and a tragedy?
Those deaths, along with somethings that have happened over the last few weeks and a conversation today have had me thinking about my mom... a few different things about her really... have i really dealt with her loss? how have i changed with her loss? how has my mindset changed? or has it?
From the moment I was told my mom had breast cancer at the ripe age of 21 (my mom at the time was 56) every aspect of my life has been affected by it.
The obvious being the responsibility of my mom's medical care... doctor's appointments, decisions on her treatments, dealing with the side effects of the treatments, health insurance issues, tests, getting a 2nd opinion when it came back, etc. It's a lot to deal with! Without actually going thru it as the patient or the care giver you can't imagine the toll it takes. It's always there... even when in remission it's still there lurking reminding you that it can come back and flip your life upside down again...
Then there were the other aspects... the fact that when ever there was bad news I never had the courage to be around to tell my dad, venting/turning to my friends, having to adjust my work schedule so that i could be available for all the doctor's appointments and tests, being in a relationship and seeing he couldn't handle or be around what was going on, he couldn't be the support I needed, looking at that relationship and everyone after that and thinking if this gets worse or some day it happens to me can i depend on him to be there? Trying to draw closer to God in the tough times... sometimes successfully, sometimes not....
When we are Confirmed in the Catholic church we are sealed/blessed in the 7 gifts of the holy spirit. (http://catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Gifts_of_the_Holy_Spirit.htm) Now since we all have our own calling in life, the degree of how predominant each gift is in your life can vary... For the most part I've always thought myself to be kind of balanced, but what I'm finding is that maybe there are some I need strengthened... like Understanding (The gift of understanding that is given to us by the Holy Spirit allows us to see things in the light of faith, on every level of existence. The gift of understanding helps us to accept certain mysteries based on the revelation that God is God and we are not. As Catholics, using the gift of understanding challenges us to see things with the eyes of our hearts, rather than with our intellect or rationale. When we use the gift of understanding, we can see the hand of God at work everywhere in our world, even in those places it can be hard to see.)... and there's so much that falls under that umbrella....
Oddly, i can understand maybe why it was my mom as opposed to others in my family... but in the bigger picture? I don't understand timing... I don't understand how you're just supposed to pick up the pieces and carry on and create a life so different than the one you expected or planned for...
It's odd... when someone is initially diagnosed with cancer the initial fear i think is always the same "are they gonna die?" Thankfully with the wonders of modern medicine while that still is the initial fear the answer is more often becoming "no".... My mom flew thru her chemo and radiation. It was hard on her at the time both treatments have their side effects and no one walks away unaffected but she bounced back and if you met her a year later you would never have known she had gone through such a difficult year... and with every 3 month check up that goes by the hope grows that it's gone for good... Sadly 6 months before her all clear 5 year mark we found out the cancer had come back... I think there are few things more devastating then to hear it's back and that this time you can't beat it, you can only do things to deal with it and prolong your life...
I've always kind of resented having to be a translator for my parents (their first language is Portuguese) but never more so than when I had to tell my mom "the doctor says you have cancer." "the doctor says you need to have surgery" "the doctor says the cancer has come back" or the worst "the doctor says there is no more treatments you can take, it's only a matter of time" No child (no matter how old they are) should have to be the bearer of that kind of bad news to their parents...
My goodness time seems to be flying by! I can't believe Christmas is 6 months away! Yes i saw people post about it which is how i know!
There are many good things going on right now and it makes me very excited about what life is offering me! But in the midst of all the good there is always a little bad... Over the weekend I found out about 2 people passing away... One i knew better than the other but really isn't death always sad and a tragedy?
Those deaths, along with somethings that have happened over the last few weeks and a conversation today have had me thinking about my mom... a few different things about her really... have i really dealt with her loss? how have i changed with her loss? how has my mindset changed? or has it?
From the moment I was told my mom had breast cancer at the ripe age of 21 (my mom at the time was 56) every aspect of my life has been affected by it.
The obvious being the responsibility of my mom's medical care... doctor's appointments, decisions on her treatments, dealing with the side effects of the treatments, health insurance issues, tests, getting a 2nd opinion when it came back, etc. It's a lot to deal with! Without actually going thru it as the patient or the care giver you can't imagine the toll it takes. It's always there... even when in remission it's still there lurking reminding you that it can come back and flip your life upside down again...
Then there were the other aspects... the fact that when ever there was bad news I never had the courage to be around to tell my dad, venting/turning to my friends, having to adjust my work schedule so that i could be available for all the doctor's appointments and tests, being in a relationship and seeing he couldn't handle or be around what was going on, he couldn't be the support I needed, looking at that relationship and everyone after that and thinking if this gets worse or some day it happens to me can i depend on him to be there? Trying to draw closer to God in the tough times... sometimes successfully, sometimes not....
When we are Confirmed in the Catholic church we are sealed/blessed in the 7 gifts of the holy spirit. (http://catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Gifts_of_the_Holy_Spirit.htm) Now since we all have our own calling in life, the degree of how predominant each gift is in your life can vary... For the most part I've always thought myself to be kind of balanced, but what I'm finding is that maybe there are some I need strengthened... like Understanding (The gift of understanding that is given to us by the Holy Spirit allows us to see things in the light of faith, on every level of existence. The gift of understanding helps us to accept certain mysteries based on the revelation that God is God and we are not. As Catholics, using the gift of understanding challenges us to see things with the eyes of our hearts, rather than with our intellect or rationale. When we use the gift of understanding, we can see the hand of God at work everywhere in our world, even in those places it can be hard to see.)... and there's so much that falls under that umbrella....
Oddly, i can understand maybe why it was my mom as opposed to others in my family... but in the bigger picture? I don't understand timing... I don't understand how you're just supposed to pick up the pieces and carry on and create a life so different than the one you expected or planned for...
It's odd... when someone is initially diagnosed with cancer the initial fear i think is always the same "are they gonna die?" Thankfully with the wonders of modern medicine while that still is the initial fear the answer is more often becoming "no".... My mom flew thru her chemo and radiation. It was hard on her at the time both treatments have their side effects and no one walks away unaffected but she bounced back and if you met her a year later you would never have known she had gone through such a difficult year... and with every 3 month check up that goes by the hope grows that it's gone for good... Sadly 6 months before her all clear 5 year mark we found out the cancer had come back... I think there are few things more devastating then to hear it's back and that this time you can't beat it, you can only do things to deal with it and prolong your life...
I've always kind of resented having to be a translator for my parents (their first language is Portuguese) but never more so than when I had to tell my mom "the doctor says you have cancer." "the doctor says you need to have surgery" "the doctor says the cancer has come back" or the worst "the doctor says there is no more treatments you can take, it's only a matter of time" No child (no matter how old they are) should have to be the bearer of that kind of bad news to their parents...
Time... I've come to really resent that word too... My mom had me at the age of 35 and to me that's always seemed kinda old... it always bothered me how old school and protective my parents were, when i would tell them they should learn english or just learn anything new they would always give me the excuse they were too old... it would drive me crazy! I vowed I didn't want to have kids that old, I wanted to be a younger parents, I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30... ha well the joke's on me with that one! lol I'm now 30, closer to 31 and no husband, no babies... My mom always used to say when she would see that impatience in me to take my time and enjoy life that she had me at 35 and it still gave her time for everything! And MAYBE up until the fateful day we were told the cancer came back... MAYBE i could have and maybe did a little believe her... I didn't want to settle, i wanted an extraordinary love and life... so no need to rush... all in due time... But then the cancer is back... and I do research. Research I never told her about, stuff the doctors don't tell you... I researched the stats on recurring metastatic breast cancer and what I found out scared me... At the time, life expectancy was around 24 months... and that's with treatment! At that moment time went from being my friend to my enemy... I wasn't dating anyone, had no real prospects... and typically timing wise of the dating ritual at least 1 year to date and 1 year engaged before getting married... usually you don't want kids right away... and as I did the math it dawned on me... the most important moments of my life, my mom was probably going to miss... it's heart breaking... growing up you never imagine getting engaged or married or starting your family and not think that both of your parents will be there... The doctors trying giving all these treatment options and they try to give you hope... they will tell you they know people who are on the same medication for 5-10 years and that maybe it will be like that, and you hope... then 9 months later the treatment isn't working any more... every time a treatment failed I just heard the clock ticking... i felt the panic rise... nothing in my life was changing... maybe buy a house? will that give her some peace of mind to see her daughter successful and settled? maybe not with a man and family of her own but financially? maybe go back to school? that was her biggest disappointment in me, that I never got my degree... but nothing was working out right... she didn't like ANY of the houses that I could afford and I couldn't overcome my hate of homework enough to finish that stupid degree... tick tock, tick tock... 2 years go by and now I know we are on borrowed time... i meet someone we date for 9 months... in that time my mom passes away and I realize its done... it's all over, game over... it's too late! I don't know the exact number of months between when it came back and when she passed, but i think she fell a couple of months short of 3 years... I thought I would have more time... my mom was such a fighter, you didn't know she was fighting cancer when you looked at her... she hid it from us well... My mom was 64 when she passed away... way too young... my dad was 2 years away from retiring...
When she passed away I gave up for a while... I didn't care if I dated or got married or started a family... what did it matter? she was gone anyways... and then 30 hits LOL "life is precious" swirls around in my head... i look at those around me and see them getting married and/or on their 2nd or 3rd baby... and I question Time... There's so much I want out of this life... more places to travel to, goals to accomplish, love to find, babies to have (lol)... Will there be enough TIME for everything?
With all of that being said tho... I don't want to rush and I don't want to settle, if i do either of those it compromises everything and I lose even more time and create more heart ache...
I think there are things that you can't control (like how quickly you fall in love) but there are also things that you can...
At the end of the day... Time can be your friend or your enemy... really its what you make it out to be... will you let it pressure you? or will you cherish and savor it?
Momma always said there was time enough for everything...
I think there are things that you can't control (like how quickly you fall in love) but there are also things that you can...
At the end of the day... Time can be your friend or your enemy... really its what you make it out to be... will you let it pressure you? or will you cherish and savor it?
Momma always said there was time enough for everything...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
2:30am...
We've hung up from our nightly call, he's practically asleep but still neither of us really wants to hang up lol eventually we do and then I'm left to my thoughts... How can one person change your life, your heart so much in little over a month? Ive read plenty of romance novels but they are stories... Those types of things don't happen in real life do they? Much less to me... He makes me want for things that I hadn't planned on... I shake my head I can't begin to describe the love and joy that fills me... The hope and excitement that i have for the future...And as I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I think about my mom... What would she think of this? I've never acted/felt this way before.. Would she call me crazy? Would we argue over the late hours I've been coming home? Or would she completely surprise me? I know overall she would be happy if she knew how happy I am... It just makes me miss her so terribly much... Too many emotions! Too much to handle and I start to notice my brains defense start to kick in... Sleep lol when things get to much... Sleep! Ha ha!
So for tonight for now... I sleep... Good night
So for tonight for now... I sleep... Good night
Friday, June 8, 2012
Right Where I'm Supposed To Be - revisited
April of last year on a different blog i posted some thoughts about thinking that where i was at that moment was right where I was supposed to be. (I've posted it below)
I look back on it and can still feel all those emotions... thankful, sad, bittersweet, excited to name a few. Over the last year there have been moments where I wondered if the path I was going down was still the intended path.... Buy a house? Don't buy a house? Is it time to move on from my job? Or stay a little longer? Will love EVER come into my life? Has love finally found me?! lol Friends moving in and out of my life in unexpected ways... All of it leaves me in a almost constant state of mixed emotions!
Every step as uncertain and scary as the one before. And I know that even though I question it, I AM where I'm supposed to be... as usual though, it's just not where I thought i would be... I realize that I only have so much control, and that really, all I have control over is myself... how I act and react to the things that happen to me and around me. I can't control those around me, I can't bend them to my will even though sometimes I'd like to! ha ha! Wanting that though... has always ended in heartbreak and disappointment. And really, thinking about it.. if you got someone to do what you wanted through some sort of coercion... doesn't it usually backfire in some way? isn't the victory usually hollow or short lived?
The irony? While I do have a strong personality and tend to like when people see things my way (who doesn't right?)... most of the time I try to be a people pleaser... i try to make my parents, family, friends, and coworkers happy or at least hold myself and behave to their expectations. I try to please everyone else because I find typically, that makes life... easier. I don't like to fight or rock the boat and I don't like to let others know when I've been hurt or am dissatisfied if it will hurt their feelings. I don't want the situation awkward and I don't like hurting others...
Lately though I have found myself in an inner conflict and have found myself trying to stand up for myself and trying to follow my heart and happiness and knowing that along the way I am hurting some of my loved ones. The typical battle of heart vs mind... It's not intentional, its just that what they want and expect from me conflicts with what i want. I'm realizing I can't continue to live for them or always please them. At the end of the day, where does that leave me? I can feel within myself a stretching and a growing... like I'm trying to grow my wings so i can fly lol But in doing that things change... and I know there is no easy way to deal with change, there's no switch to flip and say "poof!" and it's done and accepted. Only time will pave the way... The path is never easy... just worth it.
This week I struggled with a decision that really should have been quite simple but I made difficult for myself because i worried about how those around me would feel. When discussing it with another friend I was asked, "what does your heart tell you to do?" lol Duh! And as quickly as that, my mind was made up. What if we just asked ourselves that question every time? how much easier would that make things? But instead we let so much affect us.... We let our obligations and feelings of responsibility rule a little too often. We let what others around us think affect us... And yes it's good to weigh those things because sometimes we can get caught up in the moment... But really? Life is to be lived, Love is to be felt and acted upon... we do ourselves such a huge disservice when we don't take the risk.
There were a few things said to me recently that I find very wise words of advice:
Just like last year, I'm excited for what the future holds in store for me. I know what ever life has in store for me in the end, it will be better than I could even imagine!
Live, Laugh and Love my friends!!
I look back on it and can still feel all those emotions... thankful, sad, bittersweet, excited to name a few. Over the last year there have been moments where I wondered if the path I was going down was still the intended path.... Buy a house? Don't buy a house? Is it time to move on from my job? Or stay a little longer? Will love EVER come into my life? Has love finally found me?! lol Friends moving in and out of my life in unexpected ways... All of it leaves me in a almost constant state of mixed emotions!
Every step as uncertain and scary as the one before. And I know that even though I question it, I AM where I'm supposed to be... as usual though, it's just not where I thought i would be... I realize that I only have so much control, and that really, all I have control over is myself... how I act and react to the things that happen to me and around me. I can't control those around me, I can't bend them to my will even though sometimes I'd like to! ha ha! Wanting that though... has always ended in heartbreak and disappointment. And really, thinking about it.. if you got someone to do what you wanted through some sort of coercion... doesn't it usually backfire in some way? isn't the victory usually hollow or short lived?
The irony? While I do have a strong personality and tend to like when people see things my way (who doesn't right?)... most of the time I try to be a people pleaser... i try to make my parents, family, friends, and coworkers happy or at least hold myself and behave to their expectations. I try to please everyone else because I find typically, that makes life... easier. I don't like to fight or rock the boat and I don't like to let others know when I've been hurt or am dissatisfied if it will hurt their feelings. I don't want the situation awkward and I don't like hurting others...
Lately though I have found myself in an inner conflict and have found myself trying to stand up for myself and trying to follow my heart and happiness and knowing that along the way I am hurting some of my loved ones. The typical battle of heart vs mind... It's not intentional, its just that what they want and expect from me conflicts with what i want. I'm realizing I can't continue to live for them or always please them. At the end of the day, where does that leave me? I can feel within myself a stretching and a growing... like I'm trying to grow my wings so i can fly lol But in doing that things change... and I know there is no easy way to deal with change, there's no switch to flip and say "poof!" and it's done and accepted. Only time will pave the way... The path is never easy... just worth it.
This week I struggled with a decision that really should have been quite simple but I made difficult for myself because i worried about how those around me would feel. When discussing it with another friend I was asked, "what does your heart tell you to do?" lol Duh! And as quickly as that, my mind was made up. What if we just asked ourselves that question every time? how much easier would that make things? But instead we let so much affect us.... We let our obligations and feelings of responsibility rule a little too often. We let what others around us think affect us... And yes it's good to weigh those things because sometimes we can get caught up in the moment... But really? Life is to be lived, Love is to be felt and acted upon... we do ourselves such a huge disservice when we don't take the risk.
There were a few things said to me recently that I find very wise words of advice:
- Pray for love and abundance (i know this was a little specific to me but i think we all benefit from it)
- Keep calm
- It's not a fairy tale, it's your life
- It's you who can make your own difference
Just like last year, I'm excited for what the future holds in store for me. I know what ever life has in store for me in the end, it will be better than I could even imagine!
Live, Laugh and Love my friends!!
right where I'm supposed to be... 4-5-11
Today I posted on facebook: "Never did I think that the decisions I've made over the past few years would bring me to this moment/path in my life but now that I'm here I know I'm where I'm supposed to be."
And a friend asked: "Which is... what?"
and this was my response:
it's hard to explain... i didn't know going full time would have me traveling as much as i get to, sometimes when i want to, which i enjoy, i thought maybe I'd be bored by now, but I'm not lol.... i thought with everything that happened with the youth ministry/retreats at the previous church would dampen my love for ministry, it was hard for me to develop good strong friendships outside of our little ministry because i didn't want to go through all the hurt again, but it hasn't been like that at all... when my mom's cancer came back i decided to put my mom in God's hands, i thought by doing that, trusting Him and trying not too worry too much over it, it would give me more time, i know foolish thought, but it was hope, plus the doctors had said there were people who were on treatments for 5-10 years and still going... i couldn't know that by the time i turned 30 she would be gone... i have friendships i thought would last forever, that didn't last, and i have friendships i thought would be temporary that lasted a lot longer than i expected, some of that is good, some bad, some heart breaking... but we (my friends and myself) made our choices; good, bad or indifferent... there's other stuff too, but what it comes down to is all of the choices, decisions, thoughts or preconceived notions i had/made consciously and unconsciously have brought me to today, to this moment... and I'm not scared... I'm not nervous... I'm not really overly worried... i wonder about the future, but overall I'm good right now with bidding my time and trying to make the most out of life... looking for times to laugh and making memories to cherish and working and surviving through the bad.. do i wish certain things would happen already? of course, but it's because I'm excited for my future, sad my mom won't be around to share it with me... in all i just feel... I'm in the moment... all i know is I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... yes there will be change, but it's all necessary, there will be bad days, but lots of good too, but in the end i have this... peace? calm? of knowing that life is unfolding just like it's supposed to and the things that I'm excited for? will taste all the sweeter for it... i don't know if that makes any sense... my only regret has to do with my mom and there's nothing i can do about it now... but I know God is in my life and I'm following my heart and because of that I'm right where I'm supposed to be...
And a friend asked: "Which is... what?"
and this was my response:
it's hard to explain... i didn't know going full time would have me traveling as much as i get to, sometimes when i want to, which i enjoy, i thought maybe I'd be bored by now, but I'm not lol.... i thought with everything that happened with the youth ministry/retreats at the previous church would dampen my love for ministry, it was hard for me to develop good strong friendships outside of our little ministry because i didn't want to go through all the hurt again, but it hasn't been like that at all... when my mom's cancer came back i decided to put my mom in God's hands, i thought by doing that, trusting Him and trying not too worry too much over it, it would give me more time, i know foolish thought, but it was hope, plus the doctors had said there were people who were on treatments for 5-10 years and still going... i couldn't know that by the time i turned 30 she would be gone... i have friendships i thought would last forever, that didn't last, and i have friendships i thought would be temporary that lasted a lot longer than i expected, some of that is good, some bad, some heart breaking... but we (my friends and myself) made our choices; good, bad or indifferent... there's other stuff too, but what it comes down to is all of the choices, decisions, thoughts or preconceived notions i had/made consciously and unconsciously have brought me to today, to this moment... and I'm not scared... I'm not nervous... I'm not really overly worried... i wonder about the future, but overall I'm good right now with bidding my time and trying to make the most out of life... looking for times to laugh and making memories to cherish and working and surviving through the bad.. do i wish certain things would happen already? of course, but it's because I'm excited for my future, sad my mom won't be around to share it with me... in all i just feel... I'm in the moment... all i know is I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... yes there will be change, but it's all necessary, there will be bad days, but lots of good too, but in the end i have this... peace? calm? of knowing that life is unfolding just like it's supposed to and the things that I'm excited for? will taste all the sweeter for it... i don't know if that makes any sense... my only regret has to do with my mom and there's nothing i can do about it now... but I know God is in my life and I'm following my heart and because of that I'm right where I'm supposed to be...
Monday, May 28, 2012
Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything
Heard this quote at mass yesterday and it really touched me... Thought I would share!
"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” - attributed to Pedro Arrupe, S.J., from 1965-1983, Superior General of the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits).
"Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” - attributed to Pedro Arrupe, S.J., from 1965-1983, Superior General of the Society of Jesus (the Jesuits).
Friday, May 25, 2012
"I Want To Live"
In 2004, Josh Gracin came out with this song, "I Want To Live", and from the moment I've heard it I've loved it. (on a side note, on the same album he also has a pretty sexy song called "Stay With Me" but that's a whole other story lol)
While sitting at work today, I used my iPhone for musical entertainment and this song came on. The lyrics to this song always get me and speak to me on a level that maybe only those truly closest to me can understand. From those looking from the outside in, yes I'm "living". I go out with my friends, work, travel and have a great time... but there's always part of me that feels... held back? restrained maybe? I have my responsibilities and fears and sometimes i know I don't do or say what I really want, what I really feel... and honestly sometimes i think I've held back for so long I'm not really sure if I know how to express myself and banish those insecurities...
"I Want To Live"
Sometimes I feel like I need
To shake myself
To wake myself
I feel like I'm just sleepwalkin'
Through my life
It's like I'm swimming in
An ocean of emotion
But still somehow slowly
Going numb inside
I don't like who I'm becomin'
I know I've gotta do somethin'
Before my life passes right by
[Chorus:]
I want to cry like the rain
Cry like the rain
Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin'
Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin'
Fight with the devil and go down swingin'
Fly like a bird, roll like a stone
Love like I ain't afraid to be alone
Take everything that this world has to give
I want to live
Sometimes I wonder
Why I work so hard to guard my heart
Till I hardly feel anything at all
I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower
And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall
So I could feel the ground beneath me
Really taste the air I'm breathin'
And know that I'm alive
[Repeat Chorus]
Something deep inside
Keeps saying
Life is like a vapor
Its gone in just a twinklin' of an eye
[Repeat Chorus]
I want to take every
Breath I can get
I want to live
Yeah, yeah
There were times when I was younger when I went through some very dark days, I didn't feel that there was anyone I could talk to about it, i had incredibly low self esteem (thought I doubt those that knew me realized it because i always acted happy) and the thought that I didn't want to live ran very strong. I toyed with the thought of suicide, toyed with a knife at my wrist and for a very long time after that had a very small scar on the inside of my wrist... So why didn't I go through with it? Because deep down there was a little tiny piece of me that did want to live... I found excuses, reasons as to why I shouldn't... What would it do to my parents if they found me dead? What kind of example would that be to my younger cousins? I couldn't do it...
And of course God is always there in the background... he brought people into my life that lifted me up, loved me, and made me feel wanted and needed... not that my friends didn't do that in whatever way they could but at different times in life it feels... different... I'm not sure if I can explain that very well... I just know that as time passed, those dark thoughts faded away. Do those dark moments ever show up now? Sure, sometimes when I'm having a bad day, but I work hard to look at all the good in my life and slowly but surely those moments fade away. I still have days where my self esteem gets the best of me. As I've told some people, I do think I'm cute, maybe even can pull off pretty lol more than that? Beautiful? Usually i shake my head... but well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? lol
The one thing I still combat every day is I keep a lot inside... Yes, I can be outspoken and when I've been hurt I'll talk about some of it and to an extent I'm open... but like the song talks about I've spent so much of my life guarding my heart, my dreams, my wants, wishes and desires for fear of being hurt... I've spent a lot of time building up those walls, building up the ivory tower that now i find it so hard to just be... to live, to love... to not be suspicious, to not question every moment, every action or inaction. To just stop thinking and feel! I fear accidentally sabotaging my own happiness, but I'm working on it... And I'm hoping the man that loves me sees that, through it, calls me on it and helps me through it! lol
I don't want to drown in the bad emotions, i don't want to sleepwalk through life, to feel numb... I want everything the chorus of the song says.. I want to shine, to sing, to fly, to love.. to take everything this world has to give... I want to live!
I challenge you that if you are in a dark place in your life... find the reasons to want to live! And if you can't find them on your own, build a support system of those you trust to help you through!
Shine, Sing, Fly & Love,
Nancy
Friday, May 11, 2012
Just be YOU!
Hello friends!
Wow! It's been a busy few weeks!
Today has been a day of great thoughts for me... Had a few revelations (which maybe i'll share some other time) but for now i want to share something that sparked a tangent in me today. LOL
I was texting with someone today and we were talking about sharing thoughts with others. And it was brought up that sometimes they don't like to share their thoughts because they don't want the person they are sharing with to consider them weird or an idiot... This is what I said to that comment:
"My thought is if they can't accept you for who you really are - crazy ideas, insecurities and all (cuz face it we all have those) you don't really need that person in your life"
In short... JUST BE YOU!!
“You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?”
― Dr. Seuss
I've known many people over the years that i could see how unhappy they were because they were trying so hard to please others whether it be their parents, their significant others or their friends. I'm not going to lie, I struggle with this at times too... but a few things always bring me back to being ok.
The first being that no matter what even if no one else does, God loves me. This is not meant to sound preachy, but it is a part of who I am and what I believe. Sometimes i have a hard time with it, but i look at everything in my life and it's not all coincidence, it's not a fluke. I may not see the big picture or where the road is going but i know everything will work out. (i may grow impatient with it sometimes but again, that's for another day lol)
I am who I am because of everything I've gone through. Every sadness, every heart ache, every injury emotional and physical, scar over and I become stronger and smarter for it. And that goes for you too! I refuse to be ashamed of what I've gone through and I don't regret the decisions i've made in my life... we're meant to grow and evolve not stay stagnate or go back to the past! If you feel you're going in a negative direction, it needs to be dealt with one way or another... talk it out with a friend or a professional. Whatever you need to move forward!
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.—Unknown
And last? The people that truly love you and accept you will always be there and support you! They know that you aren't perfect, that you'll make mistakes, do crazy things when you think you're in love, that you'll say and do things when you're hurting, and sometimes say odd ball things that just don't make any sense to them, but make perfect sense to you, and that you'll have moments that you're not yourself... and at the end of the day they still stand by you. They may look at you a little funny, they may not know how to handle what you're saying and/or they may shake their heads, shrug, give you a hug or a pat on the head and just say ok. But they will still be there, they will be honest with you, help you put the pieces back together if needed, and support you.
“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.”
― Jim Morrison
Those that call you weird, or an idiot or any other type of name or walk away because they can't look past their own... issues .... those kind of people are not healthy to have around you! And why have those types of people in your life? what a drag!!
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can somehow become great.
Mark Twain
We are meant to fly! To be lifted up by those around us and soar! Who knows what you could achieve?
If you allowed yourself to just be you, how much happier would you be? To not have to live in fear or shame? To not have to feel like you're trying so hard to fit in all the time?
People can pick up on when you're trying too hard... then you feel like even more of an outcast!!
Even if you think people can't handle who you really are... what does that say for your friendship/relationship?
“Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
BE YOU!!!
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein
Do you love yourself?
Are you comfortable in your skin and with who you are?
Do you surround yourself with people who lift you up?
If you answered no to any of these questions... Take a moment, find out why, then turn those negatives to positives!!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
Steven D. Woodhull
Wow! It's been a busy few weeks!
Today has been a day of great thoughts for me... Had a few revelations (which maybe i'll share some other time) but for now i want to share something that sparked a tangent in me today. LOL
I was texting with someone today and we were talking about sharing thoughts with others. And it was brought up that sometimes they don't like to share their thoughts because they don't want the person they are sharing with to consider them weird or an idiot... This is what I said to that comment:
"My thought is if they can't accept you for who you really are - crazy ideas, insecurities and all (cuz face it we all have those) you don't really need that person in your life"
In short... JUST BE YOU!!
“You are you. Now, isn't that pleasant?”
― Dr. Seuss
I've known many people over the years that i could see how unhappy they were because they were trying so hard to please others whether it be their parents, their significant others or their friends. I'm not going to lie, I struggle with this at times too... but a few things always bring me back to being ok.
The first being that no matter what even if no one else does, God loves me. This is not meant to sound preachy, but it is a part of who I am and what I believe. Sometimes i have a hard time with it, but i look at everything in my life and it's not all coincidence, it's not a fluke. I may not see the big picture or where the road is going but i know everything will work out. (i may grow impatient with it sometimes but again, that's for another day lol)
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I am who I am because of everything I've gone through. Every sadness, every heart ache, every injury emotional and physical, scar over and I become stronger and smarter for it. And that goes for you too! I refuse to be ashamed of what I've gone through and I don't regret the decisions i've made in my life... we're meant to grow and evolve not stay stagnate or go back to the past! If you feel you're going in a negative direction, it needs to be dealt with one way or another... talk it out with a friend or a professional. Whatever you need to move forward!
Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.—Unknown
And last? The people that truly love you and accept you will always be there and support you! They know that you aren't perfect, that you'll make mistakes, do crazy things when you think you're in love, that you'll say and do things when you're hurting, and sometimes say odd ball things that just don't make any sense to them, but make perfect sense to you, and that you'll have moments that you're not yourself... and at the end of the day they still stand by you. They may look at you a little funny, they may not know how to handle what you're saying and/or they may shake their heads, shrug, give you a hug or a pat on the head and just say ok. But they will still be there, they will be honest with you, help you put the pieces back together if needed, and support you.
“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.”
― Jim Morrison
Those that call you weird, or an idiot or any other type of name or walk away because they can't look past their own... issues .... those kind of people are not healthy to have around you! And why have those types of people in your life? what a drag!!
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can somehow become great.
Mark Twain
We are meant to fly! To be lifted up by those around us and soar! Who knows what you could achieve?
If you allowed yourself to just be you, how much happier would you be? To not have to live in fear or shame? To not have to feel like you're trying so hard to fit in all the time?
People can pick up on when you're trying too hard... then you feel like even more of an outcast!!
Even if you think people can't handle who you really are... what does that say for your friendship/relationship?
“Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch
BE YOU!!!
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein
Do you love yourself?
Are you comfortable in your skin and with who you are?
Do you surround yourself with people who lift you up?
If you answered no to any of these questions... Take a moment, find out why, then turn those negatives to positives!!
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
Steven D. Woodhull
Thursday, April 26, 2012
What will my love story look like???
Hello again friends!
Well... only a month between postings this time... i guess that's a little better! Ha ha!
Since the beginning of February I got a lateral transfer to a different position at work... it's been a really hard transition for me, new part of the dept, new manager, working evenings consistently instead of mornings, I've always dealt with the "package"side of things and now I'm dealing with the hub (sorry i know that's a lot of lingo most of you aren't familiar with). Anyways the point is it's been A LOT of change! It's been very stressful for me i cried a bit (yes even at work when no one was around) but thanks be to God I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it! There are days that just when i think things are going well I'm smacked with how little I still know, but it's all part of the learning curve, eventually i figure things will stabilize but in the meantime it has been a crazy roller coaster! I'm very thankful for my manager who's been very patient with me!! I know I'd be failing miserably if not for his support, help and time... but i guess those are some of the signs of a good manager and leader right?
So, at about the same time that these work changes are happening, I've decided to give the Plenty of Fish website another chance, i thought that maybe i was in a good place to have someone special in my life again. I didn't realize at that point in time quite how uncooperative my schedule would be to trying to balance family, friends and dating! lol
At any rate, there have been a few nibbles... and driving home from work tonight i started thinking about those that i have dated and/or loved over the years.... Each has left his footprint in my life, each has taught me something, either about life or about myself or about the man that will some day ultimately capture my heart forever. So i started thinking (i know, dangerous, right? lol) what do I want my love story to look like? I know God is writing it for me right now, preparing us both in ways that we can not understand until the time is right. And I know that no matter what i write here, what I dream or imagine... when it really happens it will be even better! What a crazy thought, right? and maybe some of you will read this and say 50% of today's marriages end in divorce, why bother? or think that my expectations are too high and impossible... well here's the deal about me, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm also a bit of a realist... yes, I'm just full of contradictions!
so what do i imagine my love story to look like? What do i expect from "the one"?
Well... only a month between postings this time... i guess that's a little better! Ha ha!
Since the beginning of February I got a lateral transfer to a different position at work... it's been a really hard transition for me, new part of the dept, new manager, working evenings consistently instead of mornings, I've always dealt with the "package"side of things and now I'm dealing with the hub (sorry i know that's a lot of lingo most of you aren't familiar with). Anyways the point is it's been A LOT of change! It's been very stressful for me i cried a bit (yes even at work when no one was around) but thanks be to God I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it! There are days that just when i think things are going well I'm smacked with how little I still know, but it's all part of the learning curve, eventually i figure things will stabilize but in the meantime it has been a crazy roller coaster! I'm very thankful for my manager who's been very patient with me!! I know I'd be failing miserably if not for his support, help and time... but i guess those are some of the signs of a good manager and leader right?
So, at about the same time that these work changes are happening, I've decided to give the Plenty of Fish website another chance, i thought that maybe i was in a good place to have someone special in my life again. I didn't realize at that point in time quite how uncooperative my schedule would be to trying to balance family, friends and dating! lol
At any rate, there have been a few nibbles... and driving home from work tonight i started thinking about those that i have dated and/or loved over the years.... Each has left his footprint in my life, each has taught me something, either about life or about myself or about the man that will some day ultimately capture my heart forever. So i started thinking (i know, dangerous, right? lol) what do I want my love story to look like? I know God is writing it for me right now, preparing us both in ways that we can not understand until the time is right. And I know that no matter what i write here, what I dream or imagine... when it really happens it will be even better! What a crazy thought, right? and maybe some of you will read this and say 50% of today's marriages end in divorce, why bother? or think that my expectations are too high and impossible... well here's the deal about me, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm also a bit of a realist... yes, I'm just full of contradictions!
so what do i imagine my love story to look like? What do i expect from "the one"?
I feel butterflies when I think about him. We can't stand to be apart, but there will be times we can't stand to see each other lol I want someone who can understand that just because i have a strong personality doesn't mean I'll always want to be strong and that sometimes i don't need to be... he'll probably have to remind me of that from time to time. He will probably have a strong personality too... i can't imagine being with someone where i can walk all over them lol which means that we will butt heads from time to time... I don't want us to be afraid to speak our minds, or to say what's on our hearts, but to have the faith and trust to know that we can talk... or shout...to know that at the end of the day, there's no one else or anywhere else we'd rather be, than with each other. To be each other's companion, helpmate, best friend... challenge and encourage each other and sometimes even push... i know on my end I'll grumble and complain but i know he does it because he loves me and he will know i do it for the same reasons... we'll probably both be work-a-holics but always keep in mind "we work to LIVE not live to work"... that means making time for each other by staying up late or waking up early, whatever it takes... texting, phone calls, surprise gifts, or maybe silly little love notes in our lunches? (i do hope he will be a bit of a romantic) lol whatever it may be, we put each other first, sometimes sacrificing our own likes, wants and/or desires to make the other happy... I'm social knowing this we also need to make time for our friends... maybe it's a girls/guys day out, maybe its a game night, something to keep our network of friends going... I know love is not a walk in the park, that sometimes we'll really have to work at it because sometimes it will bring disappointment, frustration, sometimes you just have an "off day" and maybe some days you don't even know if you like that person, but your heart will tell you the truth... there won't be fear or doubt.... just... love!I pray some day we will start a family and i realize that will bring on a whole new set of challenges! but how exciting! to have a life (or lives) entrusted to our care! I'm sure we'll be besotted with our kids, go through good cop bad cop, "ask your mother" "ask your father" stages, watch our kids have to go through life's lessons and knowing they will have to learn on their own even when we want so bad to help or make it better... it will be hard to keep love and romance alive, but we'll work at it... I want us to be a beautiful example to our kids! The kids may not always see it or appreciate it as they are growing up, but there will come a time where they will. i see that in the example my parents set for me... Life is going to put us through some crazy things... good, sad, difficult, joyous, scary, beautiful things... but we will have each other... to help, take care of, stand by, guard, laugh, debate, argue, and smile with... in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health...
What do you imagine your love story will look like???
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