TIME - my friend, my enemy

Hello again my friends!
My goodness time seems to be flying by! I can't believe Christmas is 6 months away! Yes i saw people post about it which is how i know!
There are many good things going on right now and it makes me very excited about what life is offering me! But in the midst of all the good there is always a little bad... Over the weekend I found out about 2 people passing away... One i knew better than the other but really isn't death always sad and a tragedy? 
Those deaths, along with somethings that have happened over the last few weeks and a conversation today have had me thinking about my mom... a few different things about her really... have i really dealt with her loss? how have i changed with her loss? how has my mindset changed? or has it? 
From the moment I was told my mom had breast cancer at the ripe age of 21 (my mom at the time was 56) every aspect of my life has been affected by it. 
The obvious being the responsibility of my mom's medical care... doctor's appointments, decisions on her treatments, dealing with the side effects of the treatments, health insurance issues, tests, getting a 2nd opinion when it came back, etc. It's a lot to deal with! Without actually going thru it as the patient or the care giver you can't imagine the toll it takes. It's always there... even when in remission it's still there lurking reminding you that it can come back and flip your life upside down again... 
Then there were the other aspects... the fact that when ever there was bad news I never had the courage to be around to tell my dad, venting/turning to my friends, having to adjust my work schedule so that i could be available for all the doctor's appointments and tests, being in a relationship and seeing he couldn't handle or be around what was going on, he couldn't be the support I needed, looking at that relationship and everyone after that and thinking if this gets worse or some day it happens to me can i depend on him to be there? Trying to draw closer to God in the tough times... sometimes successfully, sometimes not....
When we are Confirmed in the Catholic church we are sealed/blessed in the 7 gifts of the holy spirit.  (http://catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Gifts_of_the_Holy_Spirit.htm) Now since we all have our own calling in life, the degree of how predominant each gift is in your life can vary... For the most part I've always thought myself to be kind of balanced, but what I'm finding is that maybe there are some I need strengthened... like Understanding (The gift of understanding that is given to us by the Holy Spirit allows us to see things in the light of faith, on every level of existence. The gift of understanding helps us to accept certain mysteries based on the revelation that God is God and we are not. As Catholics, using the gift of understanding challenges us to see things with the eyes of our hearts, rather than with our intellect or rationale. When we use the gift of understanding, we can see the hand of God at work everywhere in our world, even in those places it can be hard to see.)... and there's so much that falls under that umbrella.... 

Oddly, i can understand maybe why it was my mom as opposed to others in my family... but in the bigger picture? I don't understand timing... I don't understand how you're just supposed to pick up the pieces and carry on and create a life so different than the one you expected or planned for...
It's odd... when someone is initially diagnosed with cancer the initial fear i think is always the same "are they gonna die?" Thankfully with the wonders of modern medicine while that still is the initial fear the answer is more often becoming "no".... My mom flew thru her chemo and radiation. It was hard on her at the time both treatments have their side effects and no one walks away unaffected but she bounced back and if you met her a year later you would never have known she had gone through such a difficult year... and with every 3 month check up that goes by the hope grows that it's gone for good... Sadly 6 months before her all clear 5 year mark we found out the cancer had come back... I think there are few things more devastating then to hear it's back and that this time you can't beat it, you can only do things to deal with it and prolong your life... 
I've always kind of resented having to be a translator for my parents (their first language is Portuguese) but never more so than when I had to tell my mom "the doctor says you have cancer." "the doctor says you need to have surgery" "the doctor says the cancer has come back" or the worst "the doctor says there is no more treatments you can take, it's only a matter of time" No child (no matter how old they are) should have to be the bearer of that kind of bad news to their parents...

Time... I've come to really resent that word too... My mom had me at the age of 35 and to me that's always seemed kinda old... it always bothered me how old school and protective my parents were, when i would tell them they should learn english or just learn anything new they would always give me the excuse they were too old... it would drive me crazy! I vowed I didn't want to have kids that old, I wanted to be a younger parents, I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30... ha well the joke's on me with that one! lol I'm now 30, closer to 31 and no husband, no babies... My mom always used to say when she would see that impatience in me to take my time and enjoy life that she had me at 35 and it still gave her time for everything! And MAYBE up until the fateful day we were told the cancer came back... MAYBE i could have and maybe did a little believe her... I didn't want to settle, i wanted an extraordinary love and life... so no need to rush... all in due time... But then the cancer is back... and I do research. Research I never told her about, stuff the doctors don't tell you... I researched the stats on recurring metastatic breast cancer and what I found out scared me... At the time, life expectancy was around 24 months... and that's with treatment! At that moment time went from being my friend to my enemy... I wasn't dating anyone, had no real prospects... and typically timing wise of the dating ritual at least 1 year to date and 1 year engaged before getting married... usually you don't want kids right away... and as I did the math it dawned on me... the most important moments of my life, my mom was probably going to miss... it's heart breaking... growing up you never imagine getting engaged or married or starting your family and not think that both of your parents will be there...  The doctors trying giving all these treatment options and they try to give you hope... they will tell you they know people who are on the same medication for 5-10 years and that maybe it will be like that, and you hope... then 9 months later the treatment isn't working any more... every time a treatment failed I just heard the clock ticking... i felt the panic rise... nothing in my life was changing... maybe buy a house? will that give her some peace of mind to see her daughter successful and settled? maybe not with a man and family of her own but financially? maybe go back to school? that was her biggest disappointment in me, that I never got my degree... but nothing was working out right... she didn't like ANY of the houses that I could afford and I couldn't overcome my hate of homework enough to finish that stupid degree... tick tock, tick tock... 2 years go by and now I know we are on borrowed time... i meet someone we date for 9 months... in that time my mom passes away and I realize its done... it's all over, game over... it's too late! I don't know the exact number of months between when it came back and when she passed, but i think she fell a couple of months short of 3 years... I thought I would have more     time... my mom was such a fighter, you didn't know she was fighting cancer when you looked at her... she hid it from us well... My mom was 64 when she passed away... way too young... my dad was 2 years away from retiring...

When she passed away I gave up for a while... I didn't care if I dated or got married or started a family... what did it matter? she was gone anyways... and then 30 hits LOL "life is precious" swirls around in my head... i look at those around me and see them getting married and/or on their 2nd or 3rd baby... and I question Time... There's so much I want out of this life... more places to travel to, goals to accomplish, love to find, babies to have (lol)... Will there be enough TIME for everything? 

With all of that being said tho... I don't want to rush and I don't want to settle, if i do either of those it compromises everything and I lose even more time and create more heart ache... 
I think there are things that you can't control (like how quickly you fall in love) but there are also things that you can...
 At the end of the day... Time can be your friend or your enemy... really its what you make it out to be... will you let it pressure you? or will you cherish and savor it?

Momma always said there was time enough for everything...

2:30am...

We've hung up from our nightly call, he's practically asleep but still neither of us really wants to hang up lol eventually we do and then I'm left to my thoughts... How can one person change your life, your heart so much in little over a month? Ive read plenty of romance novels but they are stories... Those types of things don't happen in real life do they? Much less to me... He makes me want for things that I hadn't planned on... I shake my head I can't begin to describe the love and joy that fills me... The hope and excitement that i have for the future...And as I lay here in bed trying to fall asleep I think about my mom... What would she think of this? I've never acted/felt this way before.. Would she call me crazy? Would we argue over the late hours I've been coming home? Or would she completely surprise me? I know overall she would be happy if she knew how happy I am... It just makes me miss her so terribly much... Too many emotions! Too much to handle and I start to notice my brains defense start to kick in... Sleep lol when things get to much... Sleep! Ha ha!
So for tonight for now... I sleep... Good night

Right Where I'm Supposed To Be - revisited

April of last year on a different blog i posted some thoughts about thinking that where i was at that moment was right where I was supposed to be. (I've posted it below)


I look back on it and can still feel all those emotions... thankful, sad, bittersweet, excited to name a few. Over the last year there have been moments where I wondered if the path I was going down was still the intended path.... Buy a house? Don't buy a house? Is it time to move on from my job? Or stay a little longer? Will love EVER come into my life? Has love finally found me?! lol Friends moving in and out of my life in unexpected ways... All of it leaves me in a almost constant state of mixed emotions!


Every step as uncertain and scary as the one before. And I know that even though I question it, I AM where I'm supposed to be... as usual though, it's just not where I thought i would be... I realize that I only have so much control, and that really, all I have control over is myself... how I act and react to the things that happen to me and around me. I can't control those around me, I can't bend them to my will even though sometimes I'd like to! ha ha! Wanting that though... has always ended in heartbreak and disappointment. And really, thinking about it.. if you got someone to do what you wanted through some sort of coercion... doesn't it usually backfire in some way? isn't the victory usually hollow or short lived?


The irony? While I do have a strong personality and tend to like when people see things my way (who doesn't right?)... most of the time I try to be a people pleaser... i try to make my parents, family, friends, and coworkers happy or at least hold myself and behave to their expectations. I try to please everyone else  because I find typically, that makes life... easier. I don't like to fight or rock the boat and I don't like to let others know when I've been hurt or am dissatisfied if it will hurt their feelings. I don't want the situation awkward and I don't like hurting others...


Lately though I have found myself in an inner conflict and have found myself trying to stand up for myself and trying to follow my heart and happiness and knowing that along the way I am hurting some of my loved ones. The typical battle of heart vs mind... It's not intentional, its just that what they want and expect from me conflicts with what i want. I'm realizing I can't continue to live for them or always please them. At the end of the day, where does that leave me? I can feel within myself a stretching and a growing... like I'm trying to grow my wings so i can fly lol But in doing that things change... and I know there is no easy way to deal with change, there's no  switch to flip and say "poof!" and it's done and accepted. Only time will pave the way... The path is never easy... just worth it.


This week I struggled with a decision that really should have been quite simple but I made difficult for myself because i worried about how those around me would feel. When discussing it with another friend I was asked, "what does your heart tell you to do?" lol Duh! And as quickly as that, my mind was made up. What if we just asked ourselves that question every time? how much easier would that make things? But instead we let so much affect us.... We let our obligations and feelings of responsibility rule a little too often. We let what others around us think affect us... And yes it's good to weigh those things because sometimes we can get caught up in the moment... But really? Life is to be lived, Love is to be felt and acted upon... we do ourselves such a huge disservice when we don't take the risk.


There were a few things said to me recently that I find very wise words of advice:

• Pray for love and abundance (i know this was a little specific to me but i think we all benefit from it)
• Keep calm
• It's not a fairy tale, it's your life
• It's you who can make your own difference

We all want the fairy tale, the happy ever after... but life isn't like that, is it? We must be active participants, always seeking, always striving, wanting, desiring and going for it! Take the risk! It's not easy, and some days it will seem scarier than others... but it's ok... we have the ability to overcome... with prayer, time, patience and love... all things are possible!


Just like last year, I'm excited for what the future holds in store for me. I know what ever life has in store for me in the end, it will be better than I could even imagine!


Live, Laugh and Love my friends!!

right where I'm supposed to be... 4-5-11

Today I posted on facebook: "Never did I think that the decisions I've made over the past few years would bring me to this moment/path in my life but now that I'm here I know I'm where I'm supposed to be."
And a friend asked: "Which is... what?"
and this was my response:
it's hard to explain... i didn't know going full time would have me traveling as much as i get to, sometimes when i want to, which i enjoy, i thought maybe I'd be bored by now, but I'm not lol.... i thought with everything that happened with the youth ministry/retreats at the previous church would dampen my love for ministry, it was hard for me to develop good strong friendships outside of our little ministry because i didn't want to go through all the hurt again, but it hasn't been like that at all... when my mom's cancer came back i decided to put my mom in God's hands, i thought by doing that, trusting Him and trying not too worry too much over it, it would give me more time, i know foolish thought, but it was hope, plus the doctors had said there were people who were on treatments for 5-10 years and still going... i couldn't know that by the time i turned 30 she would be gone... i have friendships i thought would last forever, that didn't last, and i have friendships i thought would be temporary that lasted a lot longer than i expected, some of that is good, some bad, some heart breaking... but we (my friends and myself) made our choices; good, bad or indifferent... there's other stuff too, but what it comes down to is all of the choices, decisions, thoughts or preconceived notions i had/made consciously and unconsciously have brought me to today, to this moment... and I'm not scared... I'm not nervous... I'm not really overly worried... i wonder about the future, but overall I'm good right now with bidding my time and trying to make the most out of life... looking for times to laugh and making memories to cherish and working and surviving through the bad.. do i wish certain things would happen already? of course, but it's because I'm excited for my future, sad my mom won't be around to share it with me... in all i just feel... I'm in the moment... all i know is I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... yes there will be change, but it's all necessary, there will be bad days, but lots of good too, but in the end i have this... peace? calm? of knowing that life is unfolding just like it's supposed to and the things that I'm excited for? will taste all the sweeter for it... i don't know if that makes any sense... my only regret has to do with my mom and there's nothing i can do about it now... but I know God is in my life and I'm following my heart and because of that I'm right where I'm supposed to be...