"I Want To Live"

In 2004, Josh Gracin came out with this song, "I Want To Live", and from the moment I've heard it I've loved it. (on a side note, on the same album he also has a pretty sexy song called "Stay With Me" but that's a whole other story lol)
While sitting at work today, I used my iPhone for musical entertainment and this song came on. The lyrics to this song always get me and speak to me on a level that maybe only those truly closest to me can understand. From those looking from the outside in, yes I'm "living". I go out with my friends, work, travel and have a great time... but there's always part of me that feels... held back? restrained maybe? I have my responsibilities and fears and sometimes i know I don't do or say what I really want, what I really feel... and honestly sometimes i think I've held back for so long I'm not really sure if I know how to express myself and banish those insecurities...

"I Want To Live"

Sometimes I feel like I need

To shake myself

To wake myself

I feel like I'm just sleepwalkin'

Through my life

It's like I'm swimming in

An ocean of emotion

But still somehow slowly

Going numb inside

I don't like who I'm becomin'

I know I've gotta do somethin'

Before my life passes right by

[Chorus:]

I want to cry like the rain

Cry like the rain

Shine like sun on a beautiful mornin'

Sing to the heavens like the church bells ringin'

Fight with the devil and go down swingin'

Fly like a bird, roll like a stone

Love like I ain't afraid to be alone

Take everything that this world has to give

I want to live

Sometimes I wonder

Why I work so hard to guard my heart

Till I hardly feel anything at all

I've spent my whole life building up this ivory tower

And now that I'm in it, I keep wishing it would fall

So I could feel the ground beneath me

Really taste the air I'm breathin'

And know that I'm alive

[Repeat Chorus]

Something deep inside

Keeps saying

Life is like a vapor

Its gone in just a twinklin' of an eye

[Repeat Chorus]

I want to take every

Breath I can get

I want to live

Yeah, yeah

There were times when I was younger when I went through some very dark days, I didn't feel that there was anyone I could talk to about it, i had incredibly low self esteem (thought I doubt those that knew me realized it because i always acted happy) and the thought that I didn't want to live ran very strong. I toyed with the thought of suicide, toyed with a knife at my wrist and for a very long time after that had a very small scar on the inside of my wrist... So why didn't I go through with it? Because deep down there was a little tiny piece of me that did want to live... I found excuses, reasons as to why I shouldn't... What would it do to my parents if they found me dead? What kind of example would that be to my younger cousins? I couldn't do it...
And of course God is always there in the background... he brought people into my life that lifted me up, loved me, and made me feel wanted and needed... not that my friends didn't do that in whatever way they could but at different times in life it feels... different... I'm not sure if I can explain that very well... I just know that as time passed, those dark thoughts faded away. Do those dark moments ever show up now? Sure, sometimes when I'm having a bad day, but I work hard to look at all the good in my life and slowly but surely those moments fade away. I still have days where my self esteem gets the best of me. As I've told some people, I do think I'm cute, maybe even can pull off pretty lol more than that? Beautiful? Usually i shake my head... but well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder right? lol
The one thing I still combat every day is I keep a lot inside... Yes, I can be outspoken and when I've been hurt I'll talk about some of it and to an extent I'm open... but like the song talks about I've spent so much of my life guarding my heart, my dreams, my wants, wishes and desires for fear of being hurt... I've spent a lot of time building up those walls, building up the ivory tower that now i find it so hard to just be... to live, to love... to not be suspicious, to not question every moment, every action or inaction. To just stop thinking and feel! I fear accidentally sabotaging my own happiness, but I'm working on it... And I'm hoping the man that loves me sees that, through it, calls me on it and helps me through it! lol
I don't want to drown in the bad emotions, i don't want to sleepwalk through life, to feel numb... I want everything the chorus of the song says.. I want to shine, to sing, to fly, to love.. to take everything this world has to give... I want to live!

I challenge you that if you are in a dark place in your life... find the reasons to want to live! And if you can't find them on your own, build a support system of those you trust to help you through!

Shine, Sing, Fly & Love,
Nancy