Right Where I'm Supposed To Be - revisited

April of last year on a different blog i posted some thoughts about thinking that where i was at that moment was right where I was supposed to be. (I've posted it below)


I look back on it and can still feel all those emotions... thankful, sad, bittersweet, excited to name a few. Over the last year there have been moments where I wondered if the path I was going down was still the intended path.... Buy a house? Don't buy a house? Is it time to move on from my job? Or stay a little longer? Will love EVER come into my life? Has love finally found me?! lol Friends moving in and out of my life in unexpected ways... All of it leaves me in a almost constant state of mixed emotions!


Every step as uncertain and scary as the one before. And I know that even though I question it, I AM where I'm supposed to be... as usual though, it's just not where I thought i would be... I realize that I only have so much control, and that really, all I have control over is myself... how I act and react to the things that happen to me and around me. I can't control those around me, I can't bend them to my will even though sometimes I'd like to! ha ha! Wanting that though... has always ended in heartbreak and disappointment. And really, thinking about it.. if you got someone to do what you wanted through some sort of coercion... doesn't it usually backfire in some way? isn't the victory usually hollow or short lived?


The irony? While I do have a strong personality and tend to like when people see things my way (who doesn't right?)... most of the time I try to be a people pleaser... i try to make my parents, family, friends, and coworkers happy or at least hold myself and behave to their expectations. I try to please everyone else  because I find typically, that makes life... easier. I don't like to fight or rock the boat and I don't like to let others know when I've been hurt or am dissatisfied if it will hurt their feelings. I don't want the situation awkward and I don't like hurting others...


Lately though I have found myself in an inner conflict and have found myself trying to stand up for myself and trying to follow my heart and happiness and knowing that along the way I am hurting some of my loved ones. The typical battle of heart vs mind... It's not intentional, its just that what they want and expect from me conflicts with what i want. I'm realizing I can't continue to live for them or always please them. At the end of the day, where does that leave me? I can feel within myself a stretching and a growing... like I'm trying to grow my wings so i can fly lol But in doing that things change... and I know there is no easy way to deal with change, there's no  switch to flip and say "poof!" and it's done and accepted. Only time will pave the way... The path is never easy... just worth it.


This week I struggled with a decision that really should have been quite simple but I made difficult for myself because i worried about how those around me would feel. When discussing it with another friend I was asked, "what does your heart tell you to do?" lol Duh! And as quickly as that, my mind was made up. What if we just asked ourselves that question every time? how much easier would that make things? But instead we let so much affect us.... We let our obligations and feelings of responsibility rule a little too often. We let what others around us think affect us... And yes it's good to weigh those things because sometimes we can get caught up in the moment... But really? Life is to be lived, Love is to be felt and acted upon... we do ourselves such a huge disservice when we don't take the risk.


There were a few things said to me recently that I find very wise words of advice:

• Pray for love and abundance (i know this was a little specific to me but i think we all benefit from it)
• Keep calm
• It's not a fairy tale, it's your life
• It's you who can make your own difference

We all want the fairy tale, the happy ever after... but life isn't like that, is it? We must be active participants, always seeking, always striving, wanting, desiring and going for it! Take the risk! It's not easy, and some days it will seem scarier than others... but it's ok... we have the ability to overcome... with prayer, time, patience and love... all things are possible!


Just like last year, I'm excited for what the future holds in store for me. I know what ever life has in store for me in the end, it will be better than I could even imagine!


Live, Laugh and Love my friends!!

right where I'm supposed to be... 4-5-11

Today I posted on facebook: "Never did I think that the decisions I've made over the past few years would bring me to this moment/path in my life but now that I'm here I know I'm where I'm supposed to be."
And a friend asked: "Which is... what?"
and this was my response:
it's hard to explain... i didn't know going full time would have me traveling as much as i get to, sometimes when i want to, which i enjoy, i thought maybe I'd be bored by now, but I'm not lol.... i thought with everything that happened with the youth ministry/retreats at the previous church would dampen my love for ministry, it was hard for me to develop good strong friendships outside of our little ministry because i didn't want to go through all the hurt again, but it hasn't been like that at all... when my mom's cancer came back i decided to put my mom in God's hands, i thought by doing that, trusting Him and trying not too worry too much over it, it would give me more time, i know foolish thought, but it was hope, plus the doctors had said there were people who were on treatments for 5-10 years and still going... i couldn't know that by the time i turned 30 she would be gone... i have friendships i thought would last forever, that didn't last, and i have friendships i thought would be temporary that lasted a lot longer than i expected, some of that is good, some bad, some heart breaking... but we (my friends and myself) made our choices; good, bad or indifferent... there's other stuff too, but what it comes down to is all of the choices, decisions, thoughts or preconceived notions i had/made consciously and unconsciously have brought me to today, to this moment... and I'm not scared... I'm not nervous... I'm not really overly worried... i wonder about the future, but overall I'm good right now with bidding my time and trying to make the most out of life... looking for times to laugh and making memories to cherish and working and surviving through the bad.. do i wish certain things would happen already? of course, but it's because I'm excited for my future, sad my mom won't be around to share it with me... in all i just feel... I'm in the moment... all i know is I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be... yes there will be change, but it's all necessary, there will be bad days, but lots of good too, but in the end i have this... peace? calm? of knowing that life is unfolding just like it's supposed to and the things that I'm excited for? will taste all the sweeter for it... i don't know if that makes any sense... my only regret has to do with my mom and there's nothing i can do about it now... but I know God is in my life and I'm following my heart and because of that I'm right where I'm supposed to be...